Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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