Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
