dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize