I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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