My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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