I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
