I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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