this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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