you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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