This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
