Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize