You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
