I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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