Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
