matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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