So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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