Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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