I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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