you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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