i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
