I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
