on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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