Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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