I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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