I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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