whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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