his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
