What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
