fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
