just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
