I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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