How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize