I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
