Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
