I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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