Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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