I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
