high people should be assigned attendants
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
dude. I can hear the air.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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