Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
