where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
