Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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