She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
