Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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