Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
