Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
