tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
