my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this boner is exhausting
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
