Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
