WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
