doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
