Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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