Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
