20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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