I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize