the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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