what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
