I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i love accidental penises.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
