Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
