Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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