Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
